Ruminating

I don't believe I have many regrets in life, but I sometimes get caught up in nostalgia and I think back to my short years. Whenever I drift off into this train of thought, I get lost into something a lot stronger than just "nostalgia;" its an overbearing weight on my heart, not from any sort of guilt or past sorrows. It is just a sharp pain in my heart.

I often question myself, wondering of the possibilities that might have resulted in such a bitter feeling. It is not entirely horrid, yet it is a strong yearning that tears away at my very soul. I cannot describe it except as a heavy heart, though the subject of my mourning and sighing is lost to me.

Over another dinner this Monday fellowshipping with many brothers and sisters that I admire and respect, I came across another phrase; in a prayer for a missionary who spoke of feeling homesick on the field yet also back in America, my brother uttered something to this effect: "Thank you God for Ronnie's restlessness and not feeling at home no matter where he is. Thank you that you are growing him in faith and placing his hope fully in you. Would you allow him to continue to sojourn until your Son returns..."

And it struck me. Yes, "restlessness..." it is truly a biblical matter. When one finds the truth of the Messiah and the promises that will be fulfilled, how can we ever find satisfaction or peace till the One that we've been waiting for returns for us?

Oft at every turn in my life, I can look back at past events and heave a sigh, thanking God for bringing me through faithfully, despite all my unfaithfulness and whoring out to other idols. Yet it is the hope that keeps me alive, the hope of Creation restored and an Everlasting Life with God my Father and Jesus my Lord. I cannot but look at everything around me and grieve for the current state of things.

I long for blue skies. For green fields and soft meadows. My heart yearns for a purity that is not there, my soul thirsts for peace, and my body aches for strength and vitality. Call me a romantic sort, but I often cry during movies (well, maybe a little less so recently). Because I feel sometimes, they connect with me; I can join with them in expressing some sort of longing or desire that has yet to manifest itself in my life.

In the Lord of the Rings, oftentimes Frodo and Sam are encouraged by remembrance of the Shire, and even thinking of the peace they once enjoyed before they were cast off into this cruel world with the great burden of the Ring.

How similar we are! In desiring a return to the Garden of Eden, where we once walked with God! When we were given stewardship over the entire earth and all creatures bowed their knee to us, the very images of God. Yet now we are cut off from that reality, creation groaning for its redemption, and us fighting a very real spiritual warfare. We must await for the return of the Son. We must groan with creation as we await our redemption and inheritance. We must tie our hope and our very lives into this blessed and glorious life ahead of us.

This pain, this heartache; I can bear it for only so long. I can and will shoulder it throughout this life, because it is a sharp reminder that I cannot rest yet. Not till I see the meadows. Not till I see the Son of Man descending from the clouds with great glory. Not till the tears of joy roll down my face as I inherit the riches of being a Son with Jesus. Not till then.

And for now? I take up my cross. And I will shine my light faithfully. I will not lose my saltiness. So help me God. Anoint me Holy Spirit. Welcome me to the Father, oh Jesus. Intercede on my behalf.

One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. - Psalms 27: 4